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WAYY

Why Are You Yelling 3.0: Over 30 Edition

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People, Animals, Still Life

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Do you even tweet, bro?

RT @roywoodjr: Campaign advisors when their candidate nails a joke. #DemDebate https://t.co/Vtu3R29oem | 4 months ago
RT @daveweigel: Smart of Biden to praise O'Rourke. Most Democratic voters *like all these candidates* -- it's why Warren's refusal to go ne… | 4 months ago

What I've Been 'Gramming

I can’t reflect too much on the last decade because it’s hard enough to sift through the changes one year can bring. All I can say is I’m thankful my eyebrows grew back a bit. . The last 4 months have been a really quiet time, allowing me to cocoon and grow in inevitable ways that just needed some attention. (I’ve provided a helpful illustration in the next slide.) I’m on the other side of the hardest bit, and I feel directionless—in a good way. I am so genuinely thankful to feel bored and impatient now, like I can’t wait to see what happens next. I can go anywhere and do anything and love anyone! . The burglary last year had a real domino effect that carried through 2019. It showed me that I still had to look closely at some things—loss, relationships, body, skills, viewpoints, boundaries. So much had to come together over the past year, like a 1,000-piece puzzle. . Now that I’ve been forced to step back a bit, I’ve had to let go of all the previous pieces that didn’t fit anymore and look critically at what today’s puzzle looks like. It took me almost 35 years to become more me than I’ve ever been before, but I can finally see things clearly and that feels both right and scary. . 2019’s biggest lesson was that being a strong woman makes all kinds of people feel threatened, and I can’t let that get in the way of my purpose. I have to take up space and feel seen, no matter the consequences. I haven’t done enough exploring of what I want and what I need to become a better, more content person, and it’s important to become that person for the people in my life. I really don’t know who I am without the growth I’ve been experiencing—it’s the bridge to the next part of my life. I couldn’t cross to the next bit without it. In a lot of ways, the past couple years have made the world seem more cruel and more kind at the same time. (And yes, I’m talking how that’s shown up in politics, too.) We don’t spend enough time appreciating the importance of the dark, sitting in it and listening. That’s the best time to do it, so you don’t waste any time when the lights come on. So I’ll be over here if you need me, waiting patiently for the 💡 in 2020.

October update: We are still having a tough time over here. (Well, not Finn or Felix, they love having me home full-time.) It’s hard being a depressive and having a life curve ball thrown your way, and I definitely knew it would be a struggle to stay mentally healthy while going through all this. Unlike other times of struggle, though, I’m being disgustingly kind with myself: I’m seeking little moments of happiness, I’m forgiving myself for long showerless days of feeling down, I’m reaching out for help, I’m setting boundaries as well as expectations, and I’m being really honest with myself about how bad this feels right now. Tbh I’m pretty darn sad—I miss my little work community, I miss having a schedule and an income and a purpose, and I am not good at dealing with the constant rejection that comes with job searching (somehow even more stinging than that which comes with dating). But I’m sitting in the sadness because that’s the only thing that makes me feel hopeful (besides gratitude): knowing that the only way out is through. So. If you have any tips on getting through a funk with a broken brain, I welcome them! Any great books, shows, music you’re loving? Any quotes or mantras I should focus on? ❤️🤗🤯💪

Part of the retreat I went on a few weeks ago included a photoshoot with @cheyennegil, a true angel on earth. I chose to go on the retreat as a way to drag my body with me during this huge spiritual growth spurt I’ve been going through. The first night I was so anxious about being exposed in front of a group of beautiful, body positive people that I almost melted down. By the end, I was not only able to TAKE these pictures (and some even cheekier Polaroids with @hxdonisthealing), but able to look at them and see myself as I truly am. Part of my recent growth spurt has been about letting my body do exactly what it wants as I’m going through a life transition: nourishing it, letting it rest, letting it BE without constant judgment. I realized that I needed to gain back the weight I lost on keto (a never ending cycle) because I wasn’t ready yet: It was still about weight for me. And I can’t make decisions for my body from that place anymore. I first went on a diet at 6, was in weight watchers by 9, and have never put a bite of food in my mouth without fear and shame and regret. That is NOT normal, and I am finally starting to undo it, knowing my weight will go up and down and eventually settle wherever it’s meant to as I get used to approaching food as, well, food. Sharing these photos is intense because many people aren’t used to seeing big bodies—me in full dress or basically a bathing suit can still seem like a lot of flesh because we’re not accustomed. But if there’s one thing I know, it’s that the more you expose yourself to things, the more comfortable you become. I challenge you to change up your feed a bit—seek out different and marginalized bodies and maybe question why you haven’t before. One of the things I talked to a friend about on the retreat is the huge misconception about naturally big bodies: I evolved this way for a reason. I would be the last standing on a desert island because my body holds onto every goddamn nutrient. I have the body of my grandmother, who has been my shape all her life and is about to turn 89. My ancestors have used similar bodies to survive, and I owe them my gratitude AND my vow to not just survive but to thrive. 🙏

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