An Actual Email I Sent

While getting back into the swing of things, I decided to share some actual emails that I have sent to actual people in the past few [actual] days. I consider myself the Emily Dickinson of email-writing and self-induced reclusion. (I think it would be particularly funny for you to imagine that I sent every single one of the following to the same person. I didn’t. But I could’ve.)

An actual email I sent:

I would just like to note that I got a coupon for Domino’s pizza: two large two-topping pizzas for $5.99 each. Think about it.

Another actual email I sent:

Oopz. I think I creeped out your friend on OkCupid….I was just kidding, but perhaps I shouldn’t have mentioned that I thought he was gay AND that I was going to hit on him. 😦 :)?

In response to a job posting requesting a show of brilliance in less than 30 words (this is my life, people—and I obviously haven’t gotten a response [mainly because I’m an asshole]), here’s the actual email I sent:

Presented in haiku form:

Every New Yorker
will probably claim brilliance,
but this time it’s true.

Like the rest, completely in context from start to finish, an actual email I sent:

I must see Toy Story 3. I must.

Lastly:

I would like to do drinks or something. Don’t worry—you are not obligated to eat a meal with me. Of course, don’t be like the last guy I met and say “dinner and drinks” and then take me out for drinks on an empty stomach until late into the night and then go home to eat because you took a call from your mother (while you were peeing) during which she told you not to eat out because she had cooked dinner and was saving you some. As long as you don’t do that….