When I walked into the theater, I signed an invisible contract that said, if I enjoy the movie, I then have to sit through every last episode of Star Trek. And that contract was written up by my dad, the Star Trek Expert/Temporary Contract-Writing Lawyer. But this is not going to be a nerd review. I am not nerd-qualified. Despite being the daughter of a Trekkie, I’m only really familiar with Star Trek: The Next Generation. Which means that I used to run around the house with a head band over my eyes pretending to be LeVar Burton, and I know more about Wesley than Chekov. But I can say this: hardcore Trekkie or just an action fan, if there’s one thing everyone is going to leave the theater wondering after seeing Star Trek, it is…

Oh my, Tyler Perry will even exist in the future? That is some deal he made with the devil. I actually leaned over, breaking my own no-talking-during-the-movie rule, and asked, “Is that really Tyler Perry?” because why is that Tyler Perry; it should not have been Tyler Perry. Can someone get the man a vacation from entertainment and also his problems (which have become my problems because his mug shows up everywhere it is NOT WANTED)?

Aside from T.P., the movie was filled with an odd mix of bigger names (Zachary Quinto, Winona Ryder, Eric Bana) as well as actors with cult followings (Simon Pegg, Harold from Harold and Kumar, Karl Urban). And the actor playing Chekov is also in Terminator 4, so the timely crossover may be enough for a nerdgasm. Importantly, though, the lesser-known choices for Uhura (Zoe Saldana of such gems as Center Stage and Crossroads) and Kirk (Chris Pine) allowed the audience to get into the main characters without any distractions. The biggest distraction out of the more popular stars was, of course, Zachary Quinto’s eyebrows. The only error in casting was Ryder as Spock’s mom; we don’t have old ladies in Hollywood anymore? We’d rather load on the makeup and force her to use her old-lady voice? Didn’t we learn anything from Edward Scissorhands?

I won’t ruin any of the plot since half the fun of a prequel is not knowing anything that will happen, yet feeling reassured that everyone will live to see the original series (unless, of course, there is an alternate universe in play…whoops!). I will say: despite inconsistencies with time travel and logic in general (apparently the biggest threat in the future is falling off of cliffs), the movie made up for every possible complaint about a confusing plot point with zeal. And that’s what’s really important. There was a perfect mixture of action, special effects, science fiction, not-real-but-still-satisfying violence, sex appeal (actually, I could’ve used more of that), and bad accents. The main comic relief came from Scotty played by Pegg, who I personally feel should make a small appearance in every movie in Perry’s stead. Scotty and his little alien pal, whom he kept telling to get down from things, deserve an Oscar nomination (or at least an MTV Movie Award nomination for Best Duo, if that exists). And speaking of sex appeal, Quinto played Spock to his sexy capacity: a stoic, logical, green-blooded kind of guy.

I’m totally girlifying this movie, sorry. (No offense to girls.) Well, this won’t help either: I was full-out sobbing within the first five minutes of the opening. Star Trek, you goddamn emotional roller coaster you. (Plus, plenty of bromance to go around.) I think that’s why the movie has been such a hit with, um, just about everyone. It managed to tap into what audiences want to see right now (young, smart people in action) and threw in some bonus phrases from the original series that we’ve all heard and therefore have a collective emotional attachment to; the nerds got to revisit characters they loved all along, and the rest of us got to feel like we were included in something awesome (while skipping the boring parts). Nerds: 1, Jocks: 0. And there will be more to follow, I’m sure.

Oh, I forgot I started a rating system. I give this an 85 out of 100. (Five points docked for you-know-who.)